so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
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