At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
