Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
