She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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