party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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