:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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