Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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