so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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