she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
