She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I have post one night stand depression
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
