he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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