What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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