those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
