When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
