i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
