on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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