True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
