made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
