Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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