Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
