my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
