I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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