How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
