The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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