remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
