Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
