I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
