I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
