i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
