Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
