On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
