Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
