god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
