i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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