dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's shark week go big or go home
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
