my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
