I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
