At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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