Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
