my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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