i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
