I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
