So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
