and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
