I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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