It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Found your dick twin last night
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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