We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
