we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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