there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
