Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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