Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
