I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
At least life still wants to fuck me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
